Glee has officially made my life complete.
And so has Kevin McHale.


YES.


Okay, well, I never talk on this, so, Glee is great, senior year is great, college and SATS being right around the corner is not great though.
But still, Glee is still great.
And, folks, that's all that matters, isn't it?

:D

Current Music: Glee

My poor phone of almost 3 years has finally expired :(

And on top of this, it seems things have not changed whatsoever; the situation has just gotten worse, and I can't really do much about it.

Seeing my little sister and spending time with her just threw open that fresh wound all over again. Still no change.


I miss my routine in Reno
 

school just needs to start. i miss school soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very much






:(


oh and i hate people.
yes. very very very very very very much.

I am.......
Words can't really process what I've been feeling 19 weeks ago, up till now.

I guess you can say...
I'm happy, because I'm a licensed driver (finally, I know).
I'm morose, because my love life is slowly falling to shambles.
And.... I'm anxious because I'm graduating this year.

All in all, I guess I'm okay, but I really am trying to focus on getting a substantial-ish living, a car, and my non-existant love life.
.
Yep. Non-existant folks.

And it's not that I'm not trying; believe me I am! Okay, lie number 1: I most definitely am NOT trying.

 

It's hard, for me, to...I don't know...express my feelings in a way that will help me, ya know?
If you do, great. But, if you don't, what I'm trying to say is it's hard for me to be an emotional person when it comes to somebody I really like.

Exactly the way my life is going right now.

Oh well, I can't complain. My love life is pretty much the least of my worries, and I've fully realized I need to focus on college, car-buying, and job-grabbing.
 

So, until then, I bid adieu!

 

Sincerely, and without false warm regards,
Chelsey

P.S: I Love True Blood.

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: sort of here

it seems that lately i've been striving to keep myself together. it's the rare occasions that i find myself willing to unravel, hoping to fall apart so i can feel that refreshing after effect--the one you feel when you know you've let it all out. but, i can't let go. my body has created a defense wall against my emotions that won't let me crack. i want to loosen the thread that holds me together, but it won't pull loose. i feel like i'm losing my mind 24/7. i feel as if i've lost everything that i love, but i haven't in the slightest.
and for some reason, i'm already dreading Valentine's Day. why? i have no idea. that's another reason why i want to tear at the seams. i want to just let go and let me emotions overwhelm every part of my body so i can be free. i want to shake off my shackles but i can't.

imagine this: there is a bag you have, a bag that you know is one of your favourite bags. you stuff it with stuff you need, stuff you love, stuff you hate but you put in anyway. any moment now you are preparing for your bag to explode so you can get a new one. every time you hear a seam tear, you are excited, because you really want new bag, this one is old and worn out. but, each time you get excited, your excitement vanishes because your bag is still intact, and nothing has exploded, nothing wrong, or broken, or worn away. still the same as it was, like it'll always be.
that's how i feel. my body is the bag and the useless nonessentials are inside, waiting to explode with hidden fury that i've kept in my head and my heart for some time.

i want to break down, and feel the truth of it all. i want to be numb again, and be able to tune everything out with an empty heart and mind.
but i can't.
i'm trying to bust at the edges, but it just won't budge.

i wish you were a person, livejournal, it would be easier to say alot more, because you're always way more conscience on what you put down on the internet then what you say in person. your brain thinks to fast for your hands and you're left with nothing but empty words, so i'll try and do my best.


i feel happy, but i feel depressed, and what's ironic is a SHOW a fucking show made me like this
is this normal? is there some sort of repressed memory of my childhood or a past life that makes me this way? because i certaintly think so.
i mean, love, i guess, in general, hits me where it hurts. i spend time some times crying. the other day i did what i used to do when i was afraid, when i was younger, and layed underneath the covers with a tent like cover supported by my hands over me, and i would try and stay calm. i listened to Ingrid Michaelson, Keep Breathing, and i tried, but it made me cry even more.
maybe i cry because i normally don't cry alot, and i'm trying to get everything out.

i mean, i can't talk to my best friend, the one who probably knows me better than myself. this guy i like? which isn't really anything new, he is perfect. he is sweet, and smart, and cute, and funny, and just amazing, but i can't do much about that, because we're just friends.

and i try, i TRY so hard to just try and go along with the flow, i want to scream!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

that was me screaming silently, everybodys asleep

i don't know, maybe i'm suffering from depression, and need to take xanex.
my grandpa offered some over the summer, but i declined.

maybe i'm just so fucked up i don't know what to do with myself.


maybe maybe maybe MAYBE MAYBE MA YB E M A Y B E
I
DO
N'T
KN
OW

i just don't know.

i never know, and i don't think i ever will.

bollocks to everything! sunday was great, then monday kicked my ass. and so has today! quite unprepared and really want the world to wank off. i come home, and there are papers thrown everywhere in my room, trash, clothes, everything!!! and it was tidy when i left! my step mom had taken everything from my dressers and my laundry and thrown them out onto my floor. a)wow, you really know how to get somebody to clean. b) PRIVACY. its a word, have you heard of it? c) my brother and sister never got this treatment. oh wait, i forgot, thats because they're your real children and i'm not. sorry, slipped a bit of my mind.
i hate favouritism. its so stupid. she treats me with indignation, and tells me to do this, and do that. when my brother was only yelled at because he didn't have a job. i work, AND go to school, and i do 5 x as much as that lazy knob, and i'm still yelled at! i can't wait for london, becausei hate it here. my dad doesn't see that she is honestly tormenting me. she wakes me up at 9 on weekends to clean and clean, when my brother would be out all night, and come home, she'd let him sleep. i really hate this situation. its stupid and not making me feel any better about living here.

anyways, i'm loads tired these days
can't tell you why, but i am.

a new word i learned: à che·val: to be on horseback, french term


i think i'm going to start a diary


love enough,
me.

for a silly response from me about anything that has happened

WELL
for starters
i get to visit london in april of next year! fantastico
i get to move to london next year, promises oh yes
i have a job (i know, i'm as astounded as you are)
i miss school?
and i'm reading war & peace


i'm reading alot

i'm nostalgic for high class society in russia and england in 1813-1889


cardigan season is back
i'm making money and friends


life is good
except i'm without london
and my dear karsyn
horrible events happened to her, kill the stupid son of a bitch and his crackwhore girlfriend...

hmm
well, nothing else new i guess
new music, same old feelings

new crushes and new friends


life is good
but come fall come


oh, i realised i'm an agnostic as well..
.555 atheist too...

my grandpa has cancer
i'm seeing him on the 13th of this month

horrible events, but it isn't his time to go

so, with that being said, i'm not sad for him, i know its not his time

i'm happy
war & peace makes me happy
natasta rostov (?) might be me
except i'm only on volume 1 chapter XX
but her position with boris, well isn't mine, but i'm like her, sort of
and pierre is strange
anna pavlovna, and  anna madjsdghowhoreallycares are completely selfish people
prince vassily and princess bustokov(?) are evil doers
pretty good book
so far

submarine to read

oh and...
FEDERER LOST WIMBELDON!1 :/

but...
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE COMES OUT IN NOV

lighter news, lighter boots
into french and jonathan safran foer

raison d'etres

like french
and d-rad


thats enough for now, :) 

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: dario marianelli

well, I guess this is where I completely blow my top? no. no, I don't think it will be. hmm... I've been thinking alot about myself in the course of a week. especially today. everybody seemed to take extra happy pills, and the stock has none to supply to me. I'm always the one giving some great advice to my friends, or to perfect strangers, and I recieve none in the end! I realized I surround myself with numerous friends who I assume, and lie to myself are BEST FRIENDS, or keepers. but all they do is sit and listen to me preach to them, but I never recieve help. people say "oh, well that really does suck, that does.." well thank you Captain Obvious. I recieve no help for me! and whenever I need to contemplate my life, or need a friend to just drive me so I can clear my head and be alright again, I never get it. the saying "give and you shall recieve" is obviously a bunch of shit because for 16 years I've been doing this, and I have yet to recieve. I just need solidity, and a good friend. just one, to sit and actually help with what I'm dealing with.

I've come to so many crossroads, and I don't know which road to take.
love, recognition, intelligence, or nein.

I'm still waiting for the moment to arrive. and yet, something inside me tells me I should just give up and walk away.....


maybe for once, I'll not listen to my instincts and go with my head.

so, i haven't been keeping up with this, like i normally would. i've just been extremely busy. i guess you could say there is a lot going on. it's typically annoying that so many good things happen, but then so many more bad things happen as well. it's like taking 4 steps forward, 5 steps back. 
i've been analyzing myself for the past month, trying to figure out the best in me, etc.. it's really hard though, when so many people say one thing, and your saying the other. the events i've accumulated are as follows; i'll be kicked out of my favourite class for a low grade, i almost wasn't going to england, lost two friends, secluded myself, etc..


my lifes a wreck, so until i've gotten it up, i'm not reposting on here.


(this could take a while)